remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
