I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
