rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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