there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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