she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
