guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
