checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
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There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
And then he peed in my hair
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