I cannot find my penis.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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