I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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