i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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