Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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