People in love make me want to vomit
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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