i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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