i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
