I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
