I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
