Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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