I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
