I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
