You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
