I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
