my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
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