You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
