Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
