I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
