lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
