dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Randomize
