so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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