why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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