she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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