I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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