I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
