I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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