I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
