If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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