I wish I could punch you in the face.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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