You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
