I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
