I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
