she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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