Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
My first STD was from a foam party
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
