So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm getting married
To pizza
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
