I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
