Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My butt remains clenched, sir.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
