3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He shit in the fireplace
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
