Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
