Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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