i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
