My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
