she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
