I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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