I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
