I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
