I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
