Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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