the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
