sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
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You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
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And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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