I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
